May 8, 2010

Mostly Well Most of the Time

People have asked me how I'm doing and I know by their eyes that they are referring to my miscarriage. Most of the time, I am well.

Sometimes sadness sneaks up on me. At school lunch duty last week, being in the midst of all the children, I started thinking of all the different personalities and wondered what my child may have been like. I was feeling blue the rest of that day.

You may think that being around babies or pregnant women might cause that reaction but they don't to me. Rejoicing in the blessings of others brings healing.

Sometimes it is the casual comments of an acquaintance that jolt me. For example, I missed a week of work and one of my co-workers was wondering about the accuracy of the schedule since one person had not been there the week before. I told her that that had been me and that I would be here now needlessly explaining I had missed the previous week because I had had to go to the hospital. In response, she compassionately said, "Oh no, I hope everything was okay." I could not say that it was. "No. It's not okay. I had a miscarriage." To this she responds, "O my God, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say." (Sometimes that is the best thing to say.) I tell her not to feel bad but now I'm sorry that she's worried and uncomfortable.

A friend whom I had not seen for a long time saw my boys and asked about them and their ages. "This is Nathan; he's four. This is Noah; he's two. And my oldest, Josiah, went in through another door." She commented on how big they are getting then pointing to Noah, she said, "He's your littlest? I guess you don't have a baby anymore!" That sinks in to my heart. "No. No, I don't" I don't tell her just how accurate that statement is. She was simply enjoying my children.

There have been other moments that grief has reared up but I am mostly well. Hope and joy remain.

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" ~Psalm 27:13-14


Jessica and Jason said...

Your readers are blessed to be able to be a part of your journey, Sarah, despite tears and sadnesses on the way. Thank you for sharing; there are those who cannot. I'm so blessed to be your friend - my heart cries with you, but your joy makes my own complete.

Mama Michie (aka Michaela) said...

I'm so sorry! Having been down that road before, I know how hard it can be. My heart goes out to you!!

The Boob Nazi said...

I'm so sorry. I haven't been reading blogs in a while, and I missed this.
That's all I can really say. I'm sorry.

hubby said...

I love you my wife, I keep praying for you so you are doing better everyday.