Mostly Well Most of the Time

People have asked me how I'm doing and I know by their eyes that they are referring to my miscarriage. Most of the time, I am well.

Sometimes sadness sneaks up on me. At school lunch duty last week, being in the midst of all the children, I started thinking of all the different personalities and wondered what my child may have been like. I was feeling blue the rest of that day.

You may think that being around babies or pregnant women might cause that reaction but they don't to me. Rejoicing in the blessings of others brings healing.

Sometimes it is the casual comments of an acquaintance that jolt me. For example, I missed a week of work and one of my co-workers was wondering about the accuracy of the schedule since one person had not been there the week before. I told her that that had been me and that I would be here now needlessly explaining I had missed the previous week because I had had to go to the hospital. In response, she compassionately said, "Oh no, I hope everything was okay." I could not say that it was. "No. It's not okay. I had a miscarriage." To this she responds, "O my God, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say." (Sometimes that is the best thing to say.) I tell her not to feel bad but now I'm sorry that she's worried and uncomfortable.

A friend whom I had not seen for a long time saw my boys and asked about them and their ages. "This is Nathan; he's four. This is Noah; he's two. And my oldest, Josiah, went in through another door." She commented on how big they are getting then pointing to Noah, she said, "He's your littlest? I guess you don't have a baby anymore!" That sinks in to my heart. "No. No, I don't" I don't tell her just how accurate that statement is. She was simply enjoying my children.

There have been other moments that grief has reared up but I am mostly well. Hope and joy remain.

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" ~Psalm 27:13-14

Through the Eyes of a Child

Not long after our miscarriage, Nathan, my 4 year old, approached me and asked "Is the baby still in your belly?". (I hadn't told him yet since I didn't know how much he would understand.) So I answered him, "No, Honey. Something happened. I had to go to the hospital... Mommy and Daddy are sad because we couldn't see the baby or bring the baby home." Then Nathan asked, "Is the baby in heaven?" "Yes", I said, "Jesus is taking good care of our baby."

With his new knowledge, Nathan made some quick plans. "Let's go to heaven and see our baby!" I had to tell him, "We can't go to heaven until Jesus comes to get us or until we die and go to heaven." Not a problem. Nathan fit that right into our schedule for the day. "First we'll go to Grandma and Grandpa's house then we'll die and go to heaven."

Nathan is such a delight.

And He said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. " Matthew 18:3

A Love Letter

My Sweet Little One,

I have loved you from the first day I learned of you. I have dreamed of you and made plans for you. I've wondered if you would be another little gentleman or my first little lady. I wish I could have held your gaze, touched your tiny fingers, and counted your little toes. To have met you face to face was my heart's desire.

I wish you could have been here longer with us.

Now we must wait.

Though my heart breaks with longing for you, I know I will see you one day on the other side of eternity. I love you.

I Shall Call You Tim

Do you know what I do when I hear bad news? No? Well, I'll tell you.

First, I like to pretend that I didn't hear what I just heard. Outwardly, at least. Inwardly, I ponder. Sure. I pray about it right away. Nail that sucker with prayer!

After I absorb the news ... I like to mock it. Really. Doesn't bad news deserve a good mocking?

I am certain that a good mocking of evil boosts morale. You should try it some it some time.

You see, last week my parents told me that the mole which had been removed from my dad's back was malignant melanoma, a skin cancer. He has to go back tomorrow to have more cut out around the original spot.

Cancer acts all big and bad but suppose I refuse to fear "cancer"? Cancer, your name brings dread to people. I shall no longer call you "cancer". I shall call you.... Tim.

Tim? Yes. Tim.

I feel completely capable of both taking a situation seriously and laughing at the same time.

Besides. It's not really the mocking that gives me hope or strength. That's just fun. Jesus is the one who heals and gives peace, strength and courage. I also know that Jesus' name is above every name whether a person or a thing, cancer or Tim.

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I
have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
~Jesus (John 10:10)

"A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones." Proverbs 17:22